22 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE MARCH 6, 1998

BIG TIPS

Does great self-esteem mean cutting others down?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

As I tap away at this column, allow me to assure you I'm comfortable. I'm in my bathrobe and woolly slippers, a bowl of cold cereal at my elbow, and my heart is beating just fast enough to maintain my other vital life signs. I say, if you're getting the rent paid, attend the occasional Quest or Rockers women's basketball game, and are vertical for at least half the day, that's exercise enough for any of us.

My main squeeze, the personal trainer, does not concur. And so I, who could make Fran Liebowitz look like a gym rat, find

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2. It doesn't have to be a good sports bra, but exercise with something on; otherwise the slapping sounds get distracting.

3. Put the dog outside before you put on Jane Fonda's Low Impact Workout for Sex Workers. I want to get my butt bit because I'm jumping around, not while I am.

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Dear Big Tipper,

I have-or had—this friend who swears she's got great self-esteem and is open and honest with everyone. She'll buy anything to make a great night, including, I'm ashamed to say, people.

We get along great when it's just us, or us and her lover. However, when I bring my friends or lover along, she'll buy them stuff too, but then she starts telling me who's too tall, too short, fat, thin, and goes through every prejudice there is.

The last time we were out, another friend came up to me and hugged and kissed me. Afterward, this dear friend goes, "Gawd, is she getting old and ugly. ́

I wanted to shake her teeth out, but instead I called her up later and told her I would not be going out with her again unless this verbal abuse stopped. I told her I did not judge people on how they looked, or their race, but by how they treated people around them. I said I was highly offended, and could she explain herself and apologize. I told her I loved and respected my lover and friends, even her, and will not tolerate these putdowns, or pass it off as joking, and would really like to talk about it. She responded by saying, "Don't ever call me again!" Click.

That's all, folks! My lover told me she thinks it's a control issue. What happened? Tricked, Not Treated

Dear Tooth Shaker,

Your lover's a smart woman. People who have to swear their self-esteem is high are often painfully insecure, and sometimes people say "open and honest" when they're just being mean. I'm all for "acting as if" until the skills and self-love are actually there, but I don't think her criticism is a real growing experience, you know?

Good for you for putting your foot down and letting her know how you and your friends need to be treated. (And someone who talks like that about others when you're there will talk about you wher you're not.) If she's this caustic, she may be lonely, and open to hearing your voice on her machine asking if she'd like another chance to talk. If not, perhaps she's not that big of a loss.

Dear M.T.,

My best friend, a former roommate and lover, and I moved into separate residences last April. Since then, he has had several

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boyfriends. I am as much in love with him as I was when we moved in together almost three years ago. Each time I see him with someone else, it breaks my heart. I don't want a new boyfriend, I still want my former partner whom I love very much. What do I do?

Want My Partner Back

Dear 50 Ways to Grieve Your Lover,

Honey, I'm missing a lot of critical information. Why did the two of you break up? Are you mourning being left, or did you leave him and now regret doing that? It's been almost a year: Did you ever approach him about getting back together? I assume that if you haven't, that it was mutual, or you were the one who was left. So of course it makes you sick to see him with anyone else.

It's horribly sad to lose an intimate relationship, and to know a little bit of what it's like for the new couple. Sometimes, it's good to avoid seeing the ex for a while, until time has smeared a little Neosporin on the wound, but if he's your best friend, you might just need to suck it up and stuff it down, at least around him.

Play with other people. Lay around and cry. If you're French, smoke and sing a little Edith Piaf. We can love people and harbor regrets over them for our whole lives. It means we were fortunate enough to be touched by them in the first place.

Dear Tipster,

I have advice for the person who wrote to you wanting to commit suicide. My best friend died of an overdose of heroin, and she never got to know how much I'd always been in love with her.

Those unsaid words haunt me. I wanted to die after she died, but I came to find out how selfish I would have been if I killed myself, because it would have put someone else through the exact same grief I was feeling.

When you're experiencing grief, it can be hard to believe it will pass, but it does. If this person is so lonely suicide seems like the only way, here's what I think: I walked around for years trying to find myself in groups of gay people, at parties, dances, marches, etc. All I found was myself trying to become them and never knowing myself. Being alone is not necessarily being lonely. So, I say to "Sad and Lonely": Please don't die. Somebody loves you.

Dear Loss Horizons, Thanks.

Just Don't Do It

Please keep sending your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1082, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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